One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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