First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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