I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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