Where is the hickey?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
