If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
