Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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