i think i have herpe
just one?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
