My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
