we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
