your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
