So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
