Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
