i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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