life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
