I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
