Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I could make wine with my vomit
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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