i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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