He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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