The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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