Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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