Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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