you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
third nipple confirmed
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
