just tell him i said nine months
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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