i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
