u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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