i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
