i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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