dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
