nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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