I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
be right there i have to get my cape
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
