Cold hands, warm shart.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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