"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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