Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
