My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
