That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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