I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize