I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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