i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Someone signed my nipple.
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