sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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