we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
