you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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