don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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