Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
