im six kinds of drunk right now
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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