ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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