im drinking this country out of the recession.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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