Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
