My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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