the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
