I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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