i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
