my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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