Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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