I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
