I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
