If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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