I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
