Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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