Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
